"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attactive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
I got to my brother's house in Katy, somewhat expecting to be able to talk with him about his bucket list and celebrate his 60th birthday in a grand way. But no way. Not in the cards. He was too far around the bases almost to Homebase. He didn't need a bucket list. He had live life to the fullest, and his body is broken, thoroughly used up. His mind was nowhere to be found. He had already check-out mentally, pain meds stolen it away.
Turns out Larry has cancer of the lungs, bones and liver. His liver is swolen to over 3 times it's normal size causing some extreme pain. His bone paid is evedent the most when he is sitting. He can't sit in one spot for very long. No wonder he had to check out. It was during this heighten time of pain he was able to get off meds for two days prior to executing his will. Had to of sound mind and body. What a brave man. While away from the heavy pain meds we were able to talk a bit about stuff. You know stuff. Remembering the way he teased me when we were kids, just what the big brother is supposed to do.
We had numerous games in the backyard on Booth Avenue that kept us busy and out of trouble. If you didn't get it right with your first attempt there was this concept of a "Do Over" where you could repeat your attempt to get it right. Larry did not have too many regrets. No need in his mind to ask for a Do Over. No need in his mind for a bucket list at this point. I think he had already got to do most of what he wanted to do in his life.
Now as Hospice has been engaged, he becomes more distant as pain meds increase to combat the increasing pain. Morphine is being used now. This at the cost of balance and muscle control. Yesterday the dogs were getting on his nerves and he tried to bend down and force one of the dog outside. He fell to his knees and exclaimed in pain as he got up slowly.
Then after that, things heated up with Larry's wife. She was mad and took it out on me. I am big man and can usually accept the anger, especially when it seems misdirected. Shes very angry at loosing Larry. Angry at Larry's family for hanging aound her house for the last two weeks and taking too much control over his care. She basically said she could do it all now, with Hospics's help. I'm thinking that maybe I should not continue to stay. After the confrontation I retreated to the bedroom and have been mulling things over for now the last 12 hours.
My decision is not based on what she wants but what Larry seems to want and need. As I was leaving this morning for breakfast Kathy told me that Sunday morning Larry had asked when I was coming back. I had taken a break last weekend and went home to take care of a few things. It was a good break, but things at Larry' degraded dramatically while I was absent, resulting in the outbust of anger.
I want to come sliding in to homebase after my life's journey, maybe not so well preseved, whooping and hollaring and excaiming what a great life. But if I have somewhat of a say in this, I don't think I want to slide in as early or as hard as Larry. My bucket list is still pretty long.
WOOT!
Peace to you all,
dodadPhilip
2 comments:
Thanks for being there for him, and for writing to let us know what it's like being where you are now. I've expected there to be some discomfort on a wife's part for the house kindof being "taken over" and so much decision-making happening with your guidance. There's also been enormous relief and heartfelt comfort I believe for her in having so much genuine caring offered so freely. So what you're getting now is likely just that not-yet-expressed side of things - with companionship and help comes a lack of alone time and less sense of self-reliance. I wouldn't retreat in haste if you retreat at all. Perhaps low-profile it and watch to see, plus check with the hospice folks (they are there for you too) how they see this going with their clients, and if they've any observations, specifically re Larry's needs. Since things can change quickly, I'm glad you're hanging in there and not put off by the anger in grief. Love you,
Laurie
Just re-read this. A year and a half later. Wow.
Was looking to see if you'd posted again. Haven't.
Hope you do - you write well. This was from the heart and it is good to have these things to reflect on later - for you, for your kids, grandkids.... They see you always doing so much, and may not get to know you more apart from all you do and produce and build and fix. Nice for me too.
Love you.
Post a Comment